On Thursday the 30th of November I had a MDMA session with Ronald to work on some of my anxieties of traumatic origin.
I found Ronald's procedure and his overall energy very pleasant and comforting. He radiates calmness and makes it easy for you to relax and trust the process. I also enjoyed the play list with healing frequencies a lot, it made the overall experience very soothing and I felt like I could go deep within myself.
When the first effects of the MDMA came on at some point I started sensing a very dark and deep fear arising and I knew what it was related to. It stemmed from a very destabilising and retraumatizing experience I had had this July, a few days after an unsupervised lsd experience in which apparently I overdid it and chose a wrong procedure. As a consequence I was flooded with fear (after the lsd experience) for several days which created a new trauma.
This fear came up at the beginning of the MDMA session and I already was concerned that everything might go horribly wrong, but Ronald managed to calm me down and thus I could just mindfully stay with the fear. The fear started to become just pure sensation, like having snow cover certain areas of the skin. Then the sensations became weaker and eventually dissolved and at the same time some inner joy started to arise.
When this joy and love reached its peak, for the first time in months I could feel fully liberated of concern, worry and anxiety. I simply felt the purest joy of being alive accompanied by deep feelings of self acceptance and self compassion. I basically was completely happy for no reason in spite of all my difficult life circumstances.
Then I got to work on the actual trauma and anxieties. It was a beautiful process in which I could deeply feel in the protective and wounded parts, like they are described in internal family systems (IFS), based on my good preparation with the help of the videos that Ronald had sent me weeks before the session.
Sometimes Ronald needed to calm me down when my inner work became too intense, which he did in a calm and skillful way.
So I brought up the wounds, felt into them and gained more understanding about their origin. My mind became some kind of super mind which could see very complex relationships between different incidents, emotional responses, beliefs and behaviours. It was like starting to see a complex trauma network before my minds eye. I had a lot of mental clarity. I could then, again and again, also develop a deep sense of self compassion and acceptance for all these parts that I had to create, because I was a boy who depended on the acceptance and love of others when these parts were created and it simply was all too much for me at that time. The nice thing was that because of the MDMA it was no problem to directly face the ugliest inner parts, because it never became too overwhelming. There was always enough inner resilience to calm myself down again and become accepting of the inacceptable part without getting carried away.
I could be so much more accepting and understanding of my fears and look at them with love, it felt truly amazing.
When the session came to an end I felt like I had achieved an enormous amount of healing. I just rested there on the bed, completely content and happy but also exhausted from the hard work.
Unfortunately the next day I somehow managed to bring back some of my fear, which then created a fear about that fear, especially given that I felt so healed the day before. I think this is because after the untolerated lsd experience from July I created an extremely fearful part which reacts with more fear to other fears. I think without the lsd accident I might have benefitted still a lot more from the MDMA experience, because I didn't have so much fear about my fears before that incident.
The session was still helpful though. I can think back to the moments of self acceptance and I can embrace my remaining fears better. I'm still in a process of integrating the experience and plan to increase different activities in my life again, even if there still can be resistance or anxiety. I can keep coming back to this deeply felt understanding of "I'm alright exactly the way I am, no matter what" and I can also continue to work with my inner parts if there is conflict or resistance.
Anyway I think that Ronald did a really great job at guiding me and setting everything up. I really enjoyed his presence, he's a great person!
I think another session in a few months could further help me and I'm considering it as an option.
It was a unique experience I'll never forget for sure.
Thanks for reading this and thanks to Ronald for guiding me!