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Trip similar to the Tibetan book of the dead planned, butcame differently

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Here is what I can say about Marcel in his job:

Prior to the trip:

Very responsive, open to adapt to wishes, well organized, makes sure that everything is prepared and that no open questions remain.

During the trip:

Very professional and experienced, absolutely ethical behaviour, emphatic and caring, acts not as a mere tripsitter but as a coach/guide during the trip

After the trip:

Still caring, not rushing out quickly to another trip, instead taking time to say goodbye, makes sure that everything is ok with you. Checks also they day after if everything is ok, just wonderful.

Here my trip experience:

I'm a middle-aged women w/o any prior trip experience with mind altering substances. So here is why I wanted to do it: I studied with my Buddhist Group during the last year the first complete translation of the Bardo Thodhol (tibetan book of the death). It includes one of the most detailed and compelling descriptions of the after-death state. Just fantastic...but I thought I can only exerience what is described there during my own dying. But no, there is another book which I just found and read recently: Timothy Leary, The Psychedelic Experience: A Manual Based on the Tibetan Book of the Dead, in which he describes how to use the psychedelic mind-expansion for an after death experience according to the stages described in the Bardo Thodol.

So far so good….I decided to do it with Marcel, entered the room with my meditation cushion and blanket because I assumed from Leary's book that you do this in meditation posture. Marcel advised it would be better to the trip lying on a bed and fortunately I listend to him; I can't imagine how one can do this in a sitting manner... Then...the trip level..of course Leary's experience is with a level 5 trip, so I asked Marcel to prepare for a level 5 trip despite it is not recommended for unexperienced trippers. Marcel proposed to split the portion in two, so that I start with a lower level portion and if he and I think I can handle a higher level then to drink the second half of the portion within the first 30min. Actually I got a little afraid and asked him beforehand to reduce the level to 3-4, still with splitting the portion. And luckily we did it like that, because when the level 2-3 kicked in, I had a lot of nausea and if I had taken the remaining portion, I'm sure I would have had to vomit. The nausea stayed almost during the whole trip and was quite well handeld by Marcel with aromatherapy and reminding me to relax. I remember Marcel asked me as agreed questions to check my trip level, so that I could have taken the second half, but I really found it hard to articulate, words just slipped away so I just said no to everyhing he asked. The peak was quite intense and dense, I almost can't recall it, it had something to do that I waited for the Dharmakaya clear light to appear, but it didn't, at least not the way I had imagined/expected it would be. After realizing that I said to me: ok, not as expected, but neverthess I can enjoy it, it is all my own mind and then I relaxed even further, stopped with my wish to controll everything, even a psychedelic trip, and kind of enjoyed the colorful spirals, dragons, geometric forms., etc. Interestingly I had no emotions during the trip, it was like a peaceful, but very colorful state….I did not want to listen to any music, instead we (poor Marcel :)) listened to my "guided meditation playlist" over and over again...

After the trip Marcel was so kind to leave healthy nuts and berries behind and he clearly pointed out the necessity to restore the body's nutrition level after a trip. I had then his nuts and berries cocktail 2h after he left and it was delicious. The morning after (I did the trip in a hotelroom near Amsterdam) I started crying and crying and crying without any reason. When Marcel was checking on me then the evening after I mentioned this to him and he assumed that this might have been caused by trauma release. I guess he is right, I don't know which trauma, but my heart feels more open. Would do it and might do it again in future with Marcel!